Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Do I have OCD and is there something wrong with me?

I have been thinking that i have had OCD for quite a while. For a few years now I have noticed some symptoms that may be associated with OCD. In particular in the last year I received a mac book from my school. On the mac book when pressing the command key and the space bar it opens a quick spotlight option. Once I found out I could do this without affecting what I was working on I started tapping it, obsessively. I tapped the space bar while holding both command keys next to it. When I was typing in school or at home I would tap it after finishing a sentence or paragraph. It just became this thing that I did. I really don't know how to describe it, it sounds silly when typing this. This didn't hinder my work in anyway but it made a loud noise that nobody mentioned at home, I pressed the space bar hard and tapped it many many times trying to make it feel right but it never really did. This was accompanied by pressing hard and swiping my hand across the clicker looking for the same feeling. I also would type, delete, and re-type letters, especially 'e' and I think 'c', I think the girl who sat next to me in computer class noticed after I did it about 10 times. I would also highlight and re-highlight the words on a web page (in the past sentence I just typed, deleted and re-typed the letter 'd' and 'c'). I would also tap other key combinations such as the command+tab shortcut which switches applications. I noticed that my symptoms were directly related with how emotional I was or how much stress I am under. Since the summer started I haven't shown many of the symptoms mentioned above, partly because of the stress-free environment of summer and mostly (I think) because I don't have the mac book any more. This was all in the past year (my first year of high-school). Before this I would visualize lining up telephone poles that I saw through the windows of our car and in restaurants. My mother noticed that I would move around in my seat lining things up outside from my perspective. I also played a game in the car where I would line up the tops of the telephone poles (with the antenna-like tops with the wires) with the blue visor at the top of our windshield (this is hard to explain also). I've always suspected this was a game though. I don't do either of these things anymore. Nowadays I will roam around the house tapping the walls and tabletops and assorted bed stands that I walk by. Sometimes I with tap the first digits of my fingers (on the inside) with some force on the top of a table or a wall. When I get medicine out of the medicine cabinet I will repeatedly touch the door and close it because it doesn't close all the way and this bothers me. I also collect useless junk. I have pieces of paper and lint that I don't want to throw away for some reason. I just collect this stuff. When the top cloth layer of the inside sole of my right shoe came out my mother wanted to throw it away but I insisted that I keep it. This also includes the clippings of my jeans that were tearing off at the bottom. Luckily I have thrown both of these pathetic items away. During the summer after 8th grade I decided to go through and throw out all of my papers from that year. Most kids say they are ready to burn their binders but I wanted to horde mine and all of the papers inside. I wanted to keep all of those papers with my A+'s on them. I thought that one day I would need them to show to someone how smart I am. I ended up throwing them away. We kept them in a brown bag that was ready to be thrown out. My mother said she would throw them away in the morning. I had a mini-panic attack that evening and I think I convinced my mother to keep them for a month or two. They're gone now. I don't know if the rest of this is related or not but here it goes; When making a decision I can usually say yes or no. But like this one time my sister and her two friends were going out with my mother and they asked me whether I wanted to come along. I initially refused but then I sat in my chair for a bit while they went out to the car. I racked my brain trying to make a decision whether I wanted to go or not. I was and still am convinced that I need to be impulsive and take those seemingly minor decisions like going with my sister and her friends. I grabbed my shoes and socks and ran out the door before they left with a quick, "I'm going too!" to my dad. I ran to the car barefoot as they were about to pull away. I was convinced I would meet someone and I would have a "book moment" (I hope you know what I mean). This also happened today when deciding whether to go walking with my dad, I also walked in complete silence with him, wondering whether I should talk about how I handled him wanted to show how to use a gun and being a "wimp" a few years ago. Do I have an anxiety disorder or something? I think it runs in the family, depression and the whol

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